Sunday, November 1, 2015

2 weeks

2 weeks is the average time it takes my husband to revert back to his "old ways" after saying he will make a change. This is usually how this pans out:

1.) We get into a very severe argument that ends in tears and pleas.
2.) He says he will make a change and do *Fill in the blank*
3.) The day after our huge fight, said change happens at an Olympic performance level.. This change is so amazing, he really does deserve a medal.
4.) One week post change, he starts losing the steam from his Olympic status change... Understandable because this man has been hardcore!
5.) Two weeks post change, he has started reverting, if not completely reverted back to his old ways

Sounds about right, right?

Our problem is that when we argue, a series of events have lead to this very moment.
For example: (completely exaggerated story)

He comes home from work, throws his junk on the floor, and plops on the recliner.
The kids run up to him to share their good news for the day but he ignores them and tells them to run off.
I get mad because I've been home all day and they've been driving me nuts.
I want him to be more active and give me a break since I have been with them all day long.
I yell at him and call him a lazy, good-for-nothing slob who doesn't care about his family.
He proceeds to tell me that I couldn't possibly do all the work that he has just done in one day.
I yell about how I'm burnt out and overwhelmed.
He tells me that he could easily do everything I have to do in one day and better than me.
I lose it and start screaming and crying.
He yells because he can't hear the TV.
I pull the power cable out of the wall.
He jumps up and charges at me like a furious bull.
I challenge him to do something.
He stomps out the door, slamming it on his way out.
I chase after him, screaming "Don't you dare walk out on me!"
He gets in his truck, still ignoring me, and drives off.
I storm back into the house, grab my phone, and call him 30x.
He finally answers, we exchange hurtful words and I hang up.
He calls back because I'm not allowed to hang up on him.
More words are exchanged and now he hangs up.
I call back because he's not allowed to hang up on me either!
In between calling back and forth, I develop enough strength to calm down and tell him to come home so we can talk like adults.
After debating it with himself, he comes home.
We both apologize for our behavior and hurtful words.
He vows to not throw his crap on the floor, not sit down right away, and be more attentive to the children.
I agree to let him have a brief moment to himself when he gets home (to gather his bearings and calm down from work stress) and not bombard him with a extensive honey-do list the minute he walks through the door.
I also agree to talk to the kids about letting daddy settle before bombarding him with their barrage of news and comments.

Sounds about right, right?

Sadly, we have actually had this very fight numerous times. Let's dissect it. For the sake of this post, we are going to dissect it the way I did in my head.

- I need to let him relax when he gets home. Not too long, but enough time to change out of his uniform, sit down, and take a few breaths.
- I need to give him the chance to initiate time with the kids. I can't force it otherwise it will be unauthentic.
- Maybe I need to prioritize my day so I'm not so stressed out.
- I really shouldn't have freaked out the way I did. It so made things worse.
- I really need to give him his space.
- I can't be his Holy Spirit. He needs to find it in himself to do what he knows he needs to do.
-Rather than praying to God that He help Michael be more involved and more active in our lives, I should pray that He works on his heart and helps him find his purpose, whatever God feels that may be.
- I need to pray for myself.
-Maybe I should expect him to change 100%. Rather, I should decide what affects me the most and discuss it wit him. One change at a time.

Believe it or not, focusing on changing one thing at a time has been better than expecting a new man and being disappointed after 2 weeks. This news is probably not new to all but it was new to me at one point in time.

My thoughts:
Set realistic short term goals as a couple/family that have a high possibility of yielding long term results.

My prayer:
Father God, Thank you for giving me the one You so chose for my life. Help me to focus on my flaws while you work on my spouse's heart with him. You know your plan for his life and I respect that not everything is in my control, but in Your control. Help me to become slower to anger and easier to love. Pour your blessings over our marriage and family. In Your name, I pray, amen!

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