Monday, January 25, 2016
This post isn't really PTSD focused but it is important to me nonetheless.
Today, I realized that I was capable of being loved. Stupid, right? I know I have family and friends that love me but for some reason, today's events really showed me that I was capable of being loved.
Today was my daughter's biological father's funeral. My ex boyfriend. Our relationship had been very rough and worsened during my pregnancy with our daughter. We broke up and got back together numerous times.. Each time, things got worse. Eventually, I left with Bella and never looked back.
I had started dating my now husband when David came to visit us. He had apologized, wanted us to get back together but this time, wanted us to get married. I was tempted but really cares about and loved Michael. Looking back now, part of me wonders if I had went back with him if he would still be here today.
The next few years were difficult but in the last 2, we have been building a better relationship in the hopes of helping David and Bella build a healthy relationship. We never held back the truth from Bella and wanted to be as honest as we could. We even invited him to Thanksgiving 2016.
Today though, I realized that I was capable of being loved in the way that I have loved. I truly loved David despite the issues we had and the inner demons he was battling. He was the father of my daughter and I wanted our family to be whole. That just wasn't in God's master plan for our lives and I've grown to accept it. Today, someone told me that David told him one of his biggest regrets was losing me and not trying harder. That hurt. I knew in my heart he still loved me and I've always loved him. The difference is that now my love is out of gratitude and care. Before, it was my whole heart and soul that loved him.
Now before you think "well, what about her husband?!" Let me explain...
Today, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from 2 of the most important men in my life. I am blessed and grateful for the time I had and will have with them. I've felt the most peace and acceptance that I have felt in awhile.. And I praise God for this!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
**Forewarning: This was written on pure emotion and lack of sleep. Pardon any grammatical errors or ramblings that may not make sense.**
But, what if?
But, what if?
The "what if's" can haunt you. My husband struggled with a lot of "what if" moments for awhile. "What if I had took his place on that mission?" Or "What if I had stayed on the phone with him a little longer?" Going through therapy, treatment, and Reboot have helped him leaps and bounds.
Now, it's my turn.
This past weekend, the father of my daughter passed away in a tragic car accident. Oddly enough, I've been consumed in so much grief I don't understand. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so bad? Then came the "what if's." "What if I had stayed with him?" And "what if I had done more for him?" Talking with my dad gave me a lot of clarity and helped me understand. There's nothing I could have done to prevent the accident. Had I stayed in our toxic relationship, worse could have happened.. But I can't help the way I feel.
I tried so hard to help him battle his demons. I helped him get started on his VA paperwork. I forgave him constantly for his behavior. I kept going back to him because he made me feel bad.. I didn't want my daughter to come from a broken home. Little did I realize, it was broken before she came into it.
I had his parental rights terminated so that my husband could adopt our daughter. That decision was made based on the desire to give my daughter only the best and keep her safe. At that time, her bio-dad was not in a good place in his life. He had threatened to commit suicide and also threatened to kidnap my daughter. My husband had been the only dad she knew since she was 6 months. After long, careful consideration, her bio-dad agreed to sign the paperwork. I promised him that I would stay in touch with him, send pictures, and schedule occasional visits.. I kept my word. My husband and I slowly wanted to rebuild a healthy relationship with him so that my sweet girl could get to know her biological father. The last time we had seen him alive was the first week of December 2015. He had confided in me that he was having a rough time. My husband and I did our best to inspire him to do better and invited him to spend Thanksgiving 2016 with us. Prior to that, my husband reached out to him asking me him for forgiveness, forgiving him, and extending his friendship to him. We had such high hopes for him to get better.
From the sound of it, I did what I felt was best. I tried my hardest not to cause any pain or harm to him while still keeping the welfare and well-being of my daughter a priority. Leaving him was hard but I knew good and well that it needed to stop. I moved on with my life but he thought I was coming back. I didn't. What if I did?
There is no telling what could have happened. Maybe things could have gotten better. Maybe they could have gotten worse. Who knows? Only God.
My thoughts: I don't regret my decisions. It hurts, but I did what I thought was best. The "what if's" can take over you. It is up to you to choose to make the most out of your life.
Prayer: God, help us all to understand the master plan you have for our lives. Help us to accept our decisions and choices. Give us the strength to make it through the tough obstacles in our life. In your name, I pray, amen!
Friday, January 15, 2016
The Army is all he knows.
We went from being a part time bagger after school to a weapon toting, security providing infantryman. Then after that, a comsec communication repairer.. Still in the army. Now he is getting out and he hasn't a clue as to how to interview, develop a resume, etc.
Now don't get me wrong, the army has classes on resume writing and interviewing. If your soldier is anything like mine, he's either stubborn and didn't pay attention or he has a bad memory (could be the TBI) and forgot it all. Either way, I stayed up late last night developing a halfway decent resume for him to use today at a job fair.
I sometimes worry about how he will handle the transition from military to civilian life. Somedays, I am confident and just know he will do well. Other days, I get anxious and worried. Last night, I was definitely worried. I started rattling off interview questions and pretty much answered them myself because he had a deer-in-the-headlights look about him. I know this is all new to him but I couldn't help but get frustrated. When he started answering the questions, he was a little too candid. I reminded him to keep his answers very matter of fact without sounding full of yourself. When asking him to tell me a little about himself, he almost started from birth. Keep it general. Short and sweet! I'm not a professional interview guru, but I've done my fair share of interviews from both sides of the desk.
Today will be his first real interview and I have high hopes for him. Not so much that he will get hired on the spot, although, that would rock. My hopes are that he learns from this experience and gets stronger and stronger. I am so proud of him and sometimes I may not convey that pride to him. That is something I need to work on.
My thoughts: it's time to work on humbling my speech and tone and learn how to convey a firm, yet kind and caring tone. Life isn't all gum drops and rainbows.. But it isn't mud and grit either.
Prayer: God, I know you know the intention of my heart. Help me to be slow to anger and frustrate. Be with my dear husband every step of the way in this new journey and chapter of our lives. In your name, I pray, amen!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Thank you for your service!
Michael cringes whenever someone says that to him. He used to hate it. "They don't need to thank me. I'm just doing my job!" Or he's says "I'm not doing anything great. I'm just a soldier."
What he failed to realize is that the everyday non-military related civilians are grateful for the service members of our country. Part of it is American pride. It's admirable! I know I couldn't do half of the things Michael has done. I've taught him to just humbly accept the thanks and reply with "thank you for your support."
But how are you supporting our troops? Are you aware of the challenges our veterans are going through? How much do you know about PTSD? Do you know what a Gold Star wife is? Have you supported a Veteran-owned business?
My challenge to you: educate yourself and truly support our veterans. Pray for those still overseas. Pray that our leaders make well-thought, rational decisions regarding our military. Write a letter to a deployed service member. Pack or donate goodies for a care package. The mother of a good friend of mine started packing care packages for service members overseas and her efforts have turned into a non-profit organization who has sent hundreds of care packages to service members all over the world. Reach out to a struggling service member or veteran you may know and make a genuine effort to help them. Consider an outreach project or volunteer your time with an organization that supports vets and service members. Reboot Combat Recovery started when an occupational therapist felt called to heal the soul wounds of our wounded service members and has lead to over 600 graduates completing the 12 week healing course. I, personally, am in charge of hospitality for Reboot's Ft. Campbell location this upcoming Spring.
My thoughts: when it comes down to it, simply thanking a veteran for their service is a sufficient form of support. Some people may move forward and do amazing things for our veterans while some may be dedicated to praying for our service members. Either way, they appreciate your support and are proud to serve our great country.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank you for the men and women, past and present, who have served our country and fought for our freedom. Lift them and their families up. Heal their ailments and help them to know your goodness, Lord. In your name, I pray, Amen!