Capable

This post isn't really PTSD focused but it is important to me nonetheless.

Today, I realized that I was capable of being loved. Stupid, right? I know I have family and friends that love me but for some reason, today's events really showed me that I was capable of being loved.

Today was my daughter's biological father's funeral. My ex boyfriend. Our relationship had been very rough and worsened during my pregnancy with our daughter. We broke up and got back together numerous times.. Each time, things got worse. Eventually, I left with Bella and never looked back. 

I had started dating my now husband when David came to visit us. He had apologized, wanted us to get back together but this time, wanted us to get married. I was tempted but really cares about and loved Michael. Looking back now, part of me wonders if I had went back with him if he would still be here today. 

The next few years were difficult but in the last 2, we have been building a better relationship in the hopes of helping David and Bella build a healthy relationship. We never held back the truth from Bella and wanted to be as honest as we could. We even invited him to Thanksgiving 2016.

Today though, I realized that I was capable of being loved in the way that I have loved. I truly loved David despite the issues we had and the inner demons he was battling. He was the father of my daughter and I wanted our family to be whole. That just wasn't in God's master plan for our lives and I've grown to accept it. Today, someone told me that David told him one of his biggest regrets was losing me and not trying harder. That hurt. I knew in my heart he still loved me and I've always loved him. The difference is that now my love is out of gratitude and care. Before, it was my whole heart and soul that loved him. 

Now before you think "well, what about her husband?!" Let me explain...

This is a picture of me crying on David's father's shoulder telling him how much I loved his son. Michael took this. Michael took almost all the pictures from his services. Michael drove up here to Indiana and plans to drive us back tomorrow. Michael has spent the past 5 days with my ex-boyfriend's family.. Michael looked over David's DD 214 to create a "plaque" displaying David's awards and unit crests. Michael did more for my ex than any man ever would for his spouse's ex. Why?! Because he loves me that much. He has been so understanding and patient through all of this. That's true love. 

Today, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from 2 of the most important men in my life. I am blessed and grateful for the time I had and will have with them. I've felt the most peace and acceptance that I have felt in awhile.. And I praise God for this!!!