Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Burnt out

I have not been in the holiday spirit this year. I haven't finished Christmas shopping either and probably won't until after it's over. The kids both have enough presents. All our nieces and nephews have a present. Good enough, right?

I shared with a few fellow wives dealing with PTSD spouses that I'm most certain I'm experiencing caregiver burnout. Yes, I am working but I have found peace and joy within my work. I look forward to it and have even picked up additional clients. I even feel relieved when I'm leaving the house to go to work and have felt a little down knowing that it is time to go home. Homeschooling the kids has been tough, but my spirit hasn't been broken by it. The kids are familiar with my expectations and I am actually satisfied with the quality of their work. 

"How could you be burnt out then?" you may ask. Easy. Dealing with my husband's PTSD and TBI related problems are ongoing. They. Never. Stop. Between trying to keep up with his appointments, treatments, medications, events, and trying to enlist his help in everyday life is exhausting. He's had a lot of time off lately but tries to withdraw himself from reality. Nope! Not gonna happen, dude. 

I also have Super Mom Syndrome. I want to take care of everyone and everything while working my butt off. I've had to step back and enlist help from others. Confession: I had a housekeeper for about a month. Thankfully, she got a lot of organization going and we have been doing our best to maintain. Forcing dear husband and sweet children to comply and assist in the maintenance? That takes an act of God. Truth be told, the kids have actually done well with chores and since Michael started his new meds, he has been more active. Unfortunately, I think his active spirit came too late. I've been short and frustrated. With time, it got worse. I've been doing 'this' on my own for the past year and more so while all his issues manifested. Now you want to help?! Ugh!

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful at the amount of healing my husband has received. I am grateful that he is becoming a man of God more and more every day! Where is my healing, though? 

My healing is in God. Remaining obedient and steadfast has been so hard and sometimes questionable. Trusting in His plan sometimes seems unreasonable.. But that's part of being obedient. You may not always understand why things are they way they are or why they're even happening. I don't always understand. My comfort comes in knowing that God has something beautiful in store for me after my "storm." Even tithing this month was hard. How on earth are we going to tithe 10% when we could use that money for Christmas?! I could put that money to some relaxing spa treatments for myself! Nope. Off to church it goes. Another act of obedience. 

Having faith is what gets me through the ugly parts of life. I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted.. But I'm alive because of Him. I am still blessed with a husband and beautiful children. We are not homeless. We are not starving. He is with us and always will be. 

My thoughts: if you're experiencing caregiver burnout or even a general burnout, take the time to pray about it. I find it easiest to pray out loud in my car while I am driving to work and back home. I ask for comfort and understanding. I ask for peace within my home and life. I thank Him for blessing me beyond comprehension. 

Prayer: Thank you, God, for all our many blessings even if we don't notice them sometimes. Help us to find some calm within our storms of life. Give us comfort and peace knowing that you have such a grand and amazing plan for our lives. Help us to be more obedient to you and lean on you more. In your name, I pray, amen!

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