Initially, I thought the problems he had were due to his drinking. “He’s used to partying and being single,” was the excuse I told myself. He must not be used to having a family. As his drinking slowed down, his attitude and demeanor did not change. It got worse. He then quit smoking for awhile. He got a little better. Then he leaves for SERE school (intense training to prepare in the event one is detained as a POW) and comes back a mess… Complete and utter mess. He would have highs and lows. Some days, he was husband and father of the year and other days, we would look at him with disbelief. He was mean, angry, detached, hyper-vigilant and paranoid.
He had been diagnosed with PTSD before he left the infantry to become a radio repairer. He said that he had gone to a psychiatrist and everything was better. Why on earth did I believe him? Partly because I didn’t know any better either. I thought he had been cured or fixed. It doesn’t help that there is an ugly stigma about mental help within our active duty community. He didn’t want to admit he was having trouble because it was a sign of weakness and his colleagues would think he was crazy.
I wanted to give up a multitude of times. I didn’t want to have a miserable marriage and I was tired of faking the funk and pretending everything was peachy keen! Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep thinking “how on earth did I end up here?” or “what happened to my husband?” Did I marry a monster and just not know it? No. He had never cheated on me so I didn’t think there would be any merit in me leaving him simply because he was an ass.
I couldn’t give up though. I vowed before him and God that I would be by his side through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. I never imagined that I would be living that vow 4 years in. Suddenly, diagnosis after diagnosis came in. It all started with a routine procedure. That’s when they noticed his MRI wasn’t right. Bam. TBI. That diagnosis alone now showed us why his migraines were so constant and painful. Then his gout was diagnosed. Here I was, telling him to suck it up because his stupid foot hurt.. Oops. He started receiving treatments for all his ailments. The best treatment he could have possibly received came from Reboot Combat Recovery, but we will discuss what Reboot is all about in another post. Reboot, in short, healed the spiritual wounds he had endured during combat his first 4 years of his military career.
Slowly, I begun to understand that it wasn’t his fault. I begun to understand that my husband was truly hurting and needed me. He needed me to be strong for him, to understand him, and to accept him as he was. That decision didn’t come easy. I had to learn about PTSD and TBI. I had to understand that he couldn’t help himself sometimes. Most importantly and currently, I am learning to show more mercy. I get so angry and upset with him sometimes. Showing him more mercy has been the hardest. For 4 years, I had been dealing with the crap he threw my way. I was in survival mode. Now, I needed to learn patience, mercy, and humility.
Ultimately, you, the reader, will make your own decisions and observations. Maybe you are going through some of the situations I had just discussed. Maybe you are just so done that you feel divorce is your only option. Either way, I’m here if you ever need to talk. I’ve been at the end of my rope a few times. Each time, I found my way back whether it be running, walking, or crawling. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes prayer.
Prayer: God, open up our hearts and souls to see what is sometime unseen. Help us to love unconditionally and give us the strength to make it through the rough times. Help us to show mercy just as You do. Keep my husband safe and protect his heart from hurt. Help him to seek and trust in You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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